Why is my life the way it is. I'm sure people ask this question all the time, and I know that I don't have the worst of it. It could be worse; it always can. I've seen that happen in my life, the ups and the downs. I'm at the age where many children are given a lot more freedom, especially when they have separated parents like I do. Usually at sixteen joint custody moves from two days a week (in my case) to maybe one day a week and some holidays. My father won't let that happen. I don't know why, he doesn't have custody; My mother, by law, has full custody, yet she gave him every other weekend , Wednesdays, and some holidays. I understand that when a kid is young they need both parents in their lives, but as a teenager the dependency on the parents diminishes. I don't want to not see him, I just want to see less of him. I want to try to regain some sort of normal in my life. Of course "normal is only a setting on a dryer", but I'm sick of having to explain the complications of my life.

I have issues. I do. Some people try to hide it, and at times, I do. I don't know how much longer I can try to be the person I pretend to be. I put on a happy face, act stupid. That's not me, or if it is, then I don't know who I am. My face seems to be in an everlasting frown. Oh, sure you've never seen it, but who has? Does anyone ever see the despair on my face? Everyone looks to me for support. I'm glad to give it, but sometimes I want someone to see through my bogus pride and reach out with a comforting hand. I don't want those of you who read this and know me to try to be that person. I don't need it from you. Your the ones who sometimes get a smile on my face that isn't fake. It's other people who think we're friends or family who don't try to comfort me. It's been four years since the last family death, we're supposed to be over it, I guess. Now that the next one is on the last lap (there's three, but most aren't close enough to see it) my uncles and aunts have shrugged him off as the plague. There are eight kids and seven days in a week. You would think they would be mad that they didn't have dinner with him one day in a week; you would think. My mom has three days. Not because she's selfish, but because her brothers are selfish and don't want to deal with him. He's an imposition now because of the wheelchair. I don't like to think it, but I've found myself asking not to be with him. A few days ago he wanted me to go to the grocery store for him, I couldn't, I was the only one in the office and couldn't leave. I have 20 something cousins who I know were home, or could have left work (most of my cousins around my age work for the family, the boss isn't gonna say no) to get him milk and bananas. I just don't get it.

Speaking of my grandfather, he has lost the first leg to cancer. Every patient does, no surprise. His blood count is down, nothing new for cancer patients. Next time he has to go in for his drip, he may not be able to take it. So he misses a treatment, it's bound to happen with a low count. This is when he is most susceptible to disease. He eats out every night, maybe, just maybe, he should have a home-cooked meals instead now. The "sister's" aren't jumping at the chance to cook for him. I don't know why, he wants to spend time with the family, and he'd rather have you cook then some random person in a commercial kitchen. I guess that's the end of my ranting...